mya_rofki: (kingsblkdragon)
[personal profile] mya_rofki

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He opened his eyes and he was lying on his back in the infirmary, breathing heavily through his mouth because his nostrils were packed with cotton. It was the first week in November and he’d been at the detention center for less than a month. It was already the second time he’d been in the infirmary. He was fourteen years and three months old, and he still had ten years to go on his sentence.

The doctor came over and told him in a dead voice that he’d almost gotten his nose broken.

He turned his head slightly and looked around. Nothing had changed since he was last there. This time he couldn’t smell anything, but he didn’t want to anyway. He could remember the bleach and urine scent of the dingy gray room from the first time.

There was a low ringing in his ears, and a pulsing pain at his temple, though he couldn’t remember actually hitting his head. He didn’t remember what had happened at all clearly, and didn’t want to try. He’d probably dream it in living color that night anyway, if he could get to sleep at all once they’d put him back in his cell. He wanted to spend the night in the infirmary, but he thought asking the doctor probably wouldn’t get him anywhere. Maybe he wouldn’t be safe in the infirmary either anyway. He didn’t know. He didn’t understand anything about this place. He didn’t understand anything about the people in it, and what they would or wouldn’t do.

The doctor hadn’t met his eyes since the guard who broke up the ‘fight’ brought him in. The doctor was about as gray and dingy as his infirmary, and seemed to have decided Jared was a lost cause. Maybe he thought they all were. Jared didn’t know why he would want to be a doctor if he didn’t care about helping people, and he didn’t understand why he would be a doctor here if he didn’t want to help kids, but everything about the doctor seemed dead, from his eyes to his voice to his limp gray hair. Jared thought maybe he didn't like anybody, and figured here was as good a place as any to carry on being miserable.

The first time Jared was brought to the infirmary he needed stitches in his arm from another boy’s plastic knife in the dining hall. Jared was scared and shaken and his arm was dripping blood, but he remembered what his parents had always taught him about being polite and stuck out his good hand.

“Hi,” he’d said. “I’m Jared Padalecki.”

The doctor hadn’t even blinked. “Get up on that cot,” he’d said with a jerk of his head. He’d ignored Jared’s tentative questions and stitched him up without once looking at his face. Then he’d shoved a couple pills at him without even telling him what they were.

It was no better this time.

“Am I alright, sir?” Jared asked warily, when the doctor had finished shining a light in his eyes and taking his blood pressure and was writing something in Jared’s chart. The doctor looked at him briefly and grunted. Then he looked back down at the chart and finished writing.

“You're fine. You can sit up now,” the doctor said, turning away.

The red phone on the wall buzzed and the doctor went to answer it without seeming to care whether Jared was feeling well enough to keep himself perched on the edge of the cot. Jared was okay levering himself upright, but once he was sitting, his head swooped and rolled. He closed his eyes and gripped the cracked orange vinyl under him. If he took a header off the cot he’d go straight into the linoleum, and there was nobody around to hold his hand or kiss it better. There were 133 beds at the Mountain Creek Youth Development Center, and 100 members on staff. As far as Jared could tell, the only people who’d learned his name so far did it so they could torment him better. But he didn't want to think about that any more. Jared forced his eyes open. The floor was a long way down, and it looked horrifyingly dirty. In an effort to distract himself from that, he looked around for the doctor. When he found him, he drew in a surprised breath.

The doctor was opening the door to let in a thin man in a suit, gray and expensive looking. He wore a pale blue silk tie that matched his pale blue eyes and the pale blue veins tracing along his temples. His hair was dirty blonde. It looked soft and well-groomed. He didn’t look at all like he belonged there.

Jared watched him come over and tried not to throw up. He thought he knew what the man had come for: the expensive suit and the cool professionalism in his gaze were big hints. He had to be another lawyer for Liam’s grandfather, there to make Jared’s life that much more miserable. What happened was an accident, but Liam’s grandfather, Mr. Fuller, didn’t see it that way at all.

The man’s brow furrowed when he caught sight of Jared.

“This is him?” he asked. His cultured voice was a perfect match for Mr. Fuller’s trial lawyer. The one who’d convinced the judge to give him ten years, and who’d tried very hard to make it ten years in an adult facility. Jared wondered if this new lawyer had succeeded where the old one had failed, and had come to inform Jared that he was about to be transferred to a place where he could face the adult versions of the guys who’d put him in the infirmary.

“Padalecki, Jared. Prisoner 24601.” The doctor read it off from the chart in his hand without looking up.

“That’s you?” The man asked Jared, then flipped open a manila file he was holding and looked at something in it, looked at Jared, looked back at the file. Comparing a photograph, Jared supposed.

“Yes, sir,” Jared mumbled and swallowed hard against rising nausea. For some reason, the man sighed. Jared guessed maybe it was the stuffy, nasal tone of his voice. With the cotton in his nose, there was no way to talk without sounding ridiculous.

“You can leave us,” he told the doctor. “And leave his chart with me.” The doctor looked startled for a second, the most life he’d ever shown in Jared's presence. Then he handed over the chart and slipped out the door without a backward glance. Given the way Jared remembered him smelling from the first time, he’d probably gone out for a smoke break.

“My name is Pellegrino. Mark Pellegrino...” the man in the suit started, then trailed off as he began to read Jared’s chart. Probably the man, Pellegrino, was memorizing the chart to report back to Mr. Fuller just how much Jared had been suffering. He thought Mr. Fuller would probably want to know.

“Someone sure has taken a real disliking to you, Jared.” Pellegrino said slowly, putting the chart down on the cot next to Jared’s hip and pinning him with a gaze so intense it felt like his mind was being x-rayed. “Who’s doing this to you?”

“I don’t remember, sir. I’m sorry.”

The man looked pensive, almost sad.

“They wouldn’t need to know you told,” Pellegrino said softly. “The way things are going, it looks like you’re headed for a lot more visits to the infirmary. Some day they could take it too far. They wouldn’t even have to mean to, it could happen by accident. You must know how easily fatal accidents can happen.”

Jared looked down at his hands.

“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t remember,” he said stiffly.

“Or is it that you want to die?” Pellegrino’s tone changed in a blink from sorrowful to aggressive.

Jared was startled by the change and kept silent, waiting for whatever was coming next, but the man just repeated angrily, “Do you want to die, Jared?”

“No sir,” Jared said quickly.

“You’ve got another ten years of this to look forward to though,” Pellegrino barked. “Do you think that you’ll be able to last another ten years of this? They’ve told you you’ll be moved to an adult facility when you turn 18, right? Come on, Jared. You think juvie’s bad, just wait til you turn eighteen. I mean, have you looked in the mirror lately? They’ll eat you alive up there.”

The words of the boys from that day suddenly rang clearly in his ears. He hadn’t wanted to remember what they’d said, what they’d promised would happen. He couldn’t think of any way to stop them if they really wanted to do what they’d said they planned to do.

Jared shut down that line of thought and saw that Pellegrino was watching him closely, like a scientist watching a bug or something. It made him angry and frightened, but if he showed it he’d be in worse trouble than he could imagine, he was sure.

“A reputation as a snitch won’t help me, sir,” he said neutrally.

“True. That’s true,” Pellegrino finally smiled, a strange, jarring smile. “What if I told you I could get you out of here? What would you say to that?”

“I’d... I don’t understand, sir.” He tried to keep his voice even, but there was a little tremble there he couldn’t smooth out. He couldn't follow Pellegrino's rapid changes in mood, and he couldn't keep himself from searching Pellegrino’s face for some sign that the man might actually mean it, even though he knew how ridiculous it would be to believe that anybody could help him at this point.

“I know you don’t,” Pellegrino smiled. “Let’s not worry about that yet. There’s something I think you could help me with, but I haven’t decided yet if you’re the right man for the job.”

He couldn’t be Fuller’s lawyer at all, but who was he then, Jared wondered? Unless he was part of some kind of trap Fuller was trying to spring on him?

“Let’s talk for a bit, while I decide if you’re what I’m looking for, and then, if I decide you are, I’ll fill you in and you can decide if the risks I’d be asking you to take seem worth it.”

The man began with basic questions: Jared’s birth date, birth place, how he did in school and how many siblings he had. It was a good thing they were easy questions. Jared’s mind was racing, trying to figure out what Pellegrino could possibly be aiming for. Unfortunately the man’s face gave very little away.

Soon he moved on to more complicated questions. Questions of morality, like what the correct response was to finding a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. Also more personal things, like which parent Jared considered himself closest to. For the twenty dollar bill question, Jared lied and said he’d ask passers-by if they’d dropped it. He couldn’t tell if Pellegrino liked that answer or not. He told the truth when he said he was equally close to both his parents, but he let slip that he hadn’t talked to them in awhile, and Pellegrino seemed very interested in that. He tried to get an explanation about that from Jared, but Jared didn’t have one to give, and just ended up red-faced, stuttering through a lame excuse about them being busy people. It was true, but it wasn’t a real excuse and Jared knew it. Eventually Pellegrino let it go and fired the next question.

After more questions than Jared could count, he sat back and reread Jared’s medical chart for a while. Then he spent some time flipping through the manila file he’d carried in with him, stopping for painfully long minutes to read over mysterious papers and study densely filled in government forms. Jared sat quietly with his hands in his lap and waited for the ax to fall. It seemed like everything that had happened to him lately had only been the worst luck. Whatever happened next, he should probably just prepare himself for it to be one more blow.

The man finally looked up and closed the file. He watched Jared for a minute, and Jared watched him right back, unnerved. Then Pellegrino smiled. When he started talking again, Jared realized that Pellegrino had moved beyond questions, and begun explaining who he was and what he was doing there. Jared listened attentively, all the while wondering whether this meant he’d actually passed Pellegrino’s test.

Pellegrino explained that he wasn’t a lawyer at all, but an FBI agent. For years Pellegrino had had his eye on another agent, one he believed to be corrupt. Recently, the corrupt agent had tranferred from the FBI to the GIS, the Government Investigative Service, and Pellegrino was afraid he’d continue to break laws at the new agency, but this time with no one around to watch him do it.

He’d been trying hard to build a case, but the man was well-insulated and all the evidence Pellegrino had managed to find was just circumstantial. He needed hard evidence, but he hadn’t found a way to get it for himself.

As he talked, Pellegrino seemed to become lost in his own frustration, and Jared wondered if he even remembered who he was talking to. He was tempted to check the wall clock, curious about how many minutes the man had been going already, but he kept his eyes dutifully fixed on Pellegrino's face instead.

He was trying to figure out why he was being told any of this at all, when Pellegrino’s eyes suddenly sharpened. “I need to get into his house,” he told Jared, tone even more urgent than it had been up to that point. “I need access to his computer files, bank account information... I need bugs in his office and his car. I need a tap on his phone lines. But even if I could get authorization to place an undercover agent near him or plant a bug or two, I don’t trust my own office to keep a lid on it for long enough to bear fruit. He’s still got plenty of friends at the bureau who’d be only too happy to shut the operation down.”

He scowled fiercely. “Which doesn’t matter, anyway, since I can’t get authorization. But if I can get that evidence first, then I can convince my boss that Speight’s been dirty all along. I can get warrants. If I can get warrants I can handpick a team of trustworthy agents, place official surveillance equipment, and finally nail the son of a bitch. But without anything concrete to get the boss on my side, I’m alone on this one.” Pellegrino scowled fiercely for a minute, then smoothed out his face and leaned close.

“I am the only one who knows that I’m talking to you today. There will be no record of this visit in the prison log. My boss doesn’t know I’m here. I took a personal day to come down here. If you decide not to help me, you can serve out the rest of your sentence in peace. I promise I won’t bother you again. If you decide to help me, and you get caught before I get authorization, I may not be able to help you. I'm going about this backwards, and what I want you to do isn't strictly legal. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir. But... I don’t understand- what is it you want me to do?”

“Have you heard of the Youthful Offender Apprenticeship Program, Jared?”

“Yes, sir?” His lawyer had mentioned it once as a way to keep him out of juvie if he was convicted. His parents hadn’t liked the sound of it. They’d still had some hope of winning the case then. It hadn’t turned out to be a possibility after all, with the way Fuller’s lawyers were baying for blood. They’d asked for all his time to be served inside, and the judge had given them that, just like he’d given Mr. Fuller everything else he’d wanted.

“Well, what is it, as you understand it?” Pellegrino prompted impatiently.

“My lawyer said if I entered the program they’d assign me to an adult to learn a trade, sir. That person would be responsible for me, and I’d have to work hard for them, not cause any trouble. He said a lot of kids would rather do that than juvie, but he said it was hard to get into. He thought I should try it. But the judge said I couldn’t, sir.”

Pellegrino nodded. “Looking through your file I noted at least ten points that mark you an ideal candidate, psychologically speaking. These same things are the traits I was looking for when I thought of this plan. Unfortunately for you, you were never considered for the program due to the judge’s recommendation. Bad luck for you that it was Kurt Fuller’s grandson you killed. My sources say Judge Reynolds has been in his pocket his entire career.”

Pellegrino studied Jared’s face and his eyes softened. “Except you didn’t kill him, did you? I could see it from your file. It was an accident, right?” Jared nodded. “You really shouldn’t have been convicted at all,” he continued, in a low tone. “But all too often that’s the way it goes isn’t it? The corruption running rampant at every level makes me sick. You shouldn’t have been convicted, you shouldn’t have gotten the sentence you got, and you should’ve been the first on the list for the YOAP. You got screwed here, three times over.” He sighed, then straightened his shoulders.

“Jared, I’m glad I found your file. I’m glad I can give you this chance, because you really deserve it. I can see you’re not a criminal, Jared. You’re an innocent kid who got railroaded by our corrupt system. You have as much reason to want to take this agent I told you about down as I do. It’s people like him that take the bribes and look the other way so that people like you don’t stand a chance.”

Jared suddenly found himself blinking back tears. It was the first time since his sentencing that Jared felt like there was somebody on his side. He ran a finger convulsively over a rough tear in the vinyl next to his thigh and took some deep breaths.

“Hey, kiddo, it’s all right,” Pellegrino said. He reached out and gave Jared’s shoulder a squeeze. “It’s gonna be alright. You’re the one I want for this job, okay? You know, I was gonna interview a couple other candidates after this, but I’m really hoping you’ll say ‘yes’ and that won’t be necessary. There’s not a person in our entire correctional system that deserves this chance more. So what do you say?”

“I’m still not sure, uh, what you want me to agree to do, exactly,” Jared said apologetically.

“Can you guess?” Pellegrino asked, with a curious smile.

“I think... you want me to sign up for the program, sir? And be the apprentice to the corrupt agent, and uh, gather you information on him, from the inside?”

“Good, Jared. Once again, your test scores didn’t lie. That is precisely what I need you to do. You’ll live with this guy, work with him, pretend like you’re nothing more than a simple apprentice, and all the while you’ll be gathering information on him, working towards your freedom. You get me enough to get a real investigation going, and then we’ll see how long it takes before he’s being led away in handcuffs.” Pellegrino’s eyes danced at the idea.

“It’ll take time.” Pellegrino’s voice got hard and solemn, but his eyes didn’t stop snapping with excitement. “I’ll need hard evidence, it can’t just be your word about what you saw, and it won’t be easy. If he treats you badly, not that I think he will, but if he does, well, your options are limited. Your word against his is not what I’m going for. I want to bring everything he’s built up crashing down. I need evidence hard enough to stick, nothing less. Look, he’s never struck me as a violent guy, I don’t think he’ll treat you wrong, but I don’t know. He’s not a good guy. He’s greedy and corrupt. Some of his friends are nasty pieces of work. If there’s a problem with how he treats you you can come to me and I’ll get you pulled, but that’s the best I can promise. I can’t promise you’ll end up anywhere but right back here if that happens. You get me? This is all or nothing. You get me that evidence and I can help you, Jared, you don’t, and there’s not much I can do for you. Do you understand?”

Jared nodded and swallowed. Pellegrino’s smile came creeping back. “But Jared... Jared, kiddo, if we bring him down... If we bring them all down, there’s not a judge in this country that won’t say ‘Hey, this kid doesn’t belong in prison. This kid built our case for us.’ And you’ll have me fighting for you. I’ll get you the best damn deal anyone’s ever heard of for your part in this. You won’t spend another day in here.”

“I understand, sir,” he said quietly. The throbbing and spinning in his head had little to do with the lump on it anymore, and everything to do with the excitement swelling up in his chest. He wasn't sure he understood how Pellegrino thought that a juvenile offender gathering evidence illegally was the best way to build a case, but he wasn't an FBI agent himself. Pellegrino seemed to think it would work, and surely he would know. Jared took a deep breath. “I want to do it, sir.”



Chapter Two

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Pt. 1

Date: 2010-07-28 12:33 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I am sorry but I am stopping here. You have so many plot problems, I cannot go any further. And since you said you wanted concrit, here it is.

Mistake #1: You really don't understand anything about the juvenile justice system in the U.S., do you? Juveniles are not called "prisoners," they are usually referred to as clients. Rehabilitation is the key of juvenile sentencing.

"This is him?" he asked. His cultured voice was a perfect match for Mr. Fuller's trial lawyer. The one who'd convinced the judge to give him ten years, and who'd tried very hard to make it ten years in an adult facility. Jared wondered if this new lawyer had succeeded where the old one had failed, and had come to inform Jared that he was about to be transferred to a place where he could face the adult versions of the guys who'd put him in the infirmary.

Mistake #2: The District Attorney is the one who makes the determination if juveniles are charged as minors or adults, not the victims. Also, Mr. Fuller's lawyer couldn't have asked for anything as the DA asks for length of punishment (or in some cases sentencing guidelines), no one else.

Now Mr. Fuller could have asked to read a victim impact statement and in that asked the judge to sentence Jared to the maximum for crime, but "Mr. Fuller's trial attorney" is not a private entity, but a employee of the state, so unless you were talking about a civil trial, this is simply not possible. Plus first time offenders charged as minors, even violent ones, with no past criminal record rarely get 10 years. More like probation and monitoring.

"You can leave us," he told the doctor. 'And leave his chart with me."

Mistake #3: No one can request a minor's medical records without written parental consent, not even an FBI agent. These two sentences violate so many laws and ethics I cannot even begin to tell you. It makes your story unbelievable unless you are writing about a totalitarian society, which the U.S. is not. So you have to keep your plot within the constrains of reality.

"You've got another ten years of this to look forward to though," Pellegrino barked. "Do you think that you'll be able to last another ten years of this? They've told you you'll be moved to an adult facility when you turn 18, right? Come on, Jared. You think juvie's bad, just wait til you turn eighteen. I mean, have you looked in the mirror lately? They'll eat you alive up there."

Mistake #4: It looks like from your plot that Jared was charged as as a juvenile, not as an adult, which means that normally his 10 year sentence would be served entirely in a juvenile facility. He would not be moved to an adult prison upon turning 18 unless deemed a security risk.

Plus another cliche you used is that Jared's sentence leaves him at the mercy of the state for 10 years, until he's 24. Not true. Most states cannot hold offenders past their 21st birthdays, unless state law allows. Sometimes juvenile sexual offenders are held past 21 if deemed a threat to society, but in Jared's case, I seriously doubt even Kurt Fuller could get him held past his 21st birthday. Unless Kurt can change state laws.

So, Jared would be set free at 21, meaning the ten year sentence until he is 24 is not feasible. Also if you set this story in Texas overcrowding is a problem, so good time behavior counts, so just like Lindsay Lohan's sentencing (she got 90 days), think 1/3 of that time for Jared. He'd be out by the time he was 18 or so. So the threat by the agent would be moot.

Part 2

Date: 2010-07-28 12:34 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
"The way things are going, it looks like you're headed for a lot more visits to the infirmary. Some day they could take it too far. They wouldn't even have to mean to, it could happen by accident. You must know how easily fatal accidents can happen."

Mistake #5: Ah yes, threats by a FBI agent to a minor, no internal protocols to stop this rogue agent. Seriously? If Jared had been an adult I might buy this, but no way any gov't agency is going to allow a child to be coerced into being a spy. Why? Lawsuits, lawsuits and you go to jail.

There's more, but I think you get my point.

Chapter 1 is filled by huge problems. If you are going to write about a sensitive subject like child rape and involve law enforcement, the court systems and dentention in it, you need do your research or your story loses all credibility.

And before you say "this is just fanfiction," why does all this matter? Well to some readers it does. If you story doesn't pass even the basic reality test in the first chapter, how do you think the rest of it fares?

A former juvenile case worker who hates it when authors just don't get my profession and fuck it all up.

Re: Part 2

Date: 2010-07-28 12:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
I'm sorry I offended you. (Seriously, not being sarcastic.)

I'm sure I haven't been the first person to write seriously ignorant things about your profession, and I'm sure it gets more frustrating the more you see it.

I've added an author's note to the effect that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I should have done that in the first place. Or else, obviously, I should have done more research. Since I did neither of those things, all I can say is that I'm sorry.

Date: 2010-07-28 02:24 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Since you've said respectful disagreement is encouraged, I have to weigh in here. I can totally see how anyone who is deeply in the know about an area can find numerous plot holes in a work about that subject, especially if it is one they are protective of. I've been there myself.

However, I can also say that I have read further than this chapter, and a lot of the concerns of illegalities and things that wouldn't fly in the "normal" world are in fact dealt with later in the fic. No one should stick around if a story is not their cup of tea, but in my opinion a lot of things that I thought seemed iffy at first are getting handled in later chapters.

Just my take on it, and I wanted to put it out there. *shrugs*

Date: 2010-07-28 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
Thank you for so repectfully sharing your opinion. :)

I didn't want to get into a big argument with the above anon, because clearly I got a TON of things wrong about something s/he really knows, but I appreciate hearing that to you it wasn't quite as bad as it seemed to her/him.

Date: 2010-07-28 04:31 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I have to respectfully disagree with you. The reality factor about law enforcement and the juvenile justice system in this story doesn't get better in the later chapters, it gets worse.

Please tell me in what universe is a shock collar used to contain juvenile delinquents?

Plus how can an FBI agent with no legal authority over a minor child give physical and legal custody to a criminal (Fred) after the agent knows the minor was raped, abused and tortured by co-worker (Richard)?

This situation would have worked better in a alternative universe as it makes no sense in the context of the setting being modern America.

Date: 2010-07-28 06:12 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I just wanted to to point out that even though the story seems like it's modern America, the author did say that it was RPS AU. I believe that all of the elements you mentioned worked well because it was an alternate universe. I thought the shock collar was especially creative/horrendous. I might not agree with everything in the story, but since it's a story I don't mind even the most horrific happenings in the story. Kudos mya_rofki for writing an awesome story.

Date: 2010-07-28 07:38 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
da

I think most people who read this story thought it was listed as an AU because it wasn't Jared/Jensen as adults, not that the author was literally putting them in an alternative universe.

Whatever universe this is set in, the story didn't work for me because there is no world building in this AU to explain the differences that would account for such details like shock collars or a criminal justice system being corrupt enough to allow a child to go undercover to stop a crazy FBI agent/pedophile.

If the author has explained that in her notes instead of just saying she didn't know anything about the legal system...handwave to the research flaws...then perhaps readers would have understood her concept.

However the author did not use proper world building to make me understand that we weren't on planet Earth, in the United States, but rather instead we should be looking for goatee!Spock when reading this fic.

As for awesome, I have to disagree with you there. I've read awesome dark!fic, some with darker themes than this. My disappointment with this story has nothing to do with its content, but with the way the author presented it.

If she had properly used setting, tone, plot, characterizations to their fullest potential I could have bought this as an A/U. She didn't and so the fic falls flat into a kink fetish (torture!porn) rather than a tale of young Jared overcoming very bleak circumstances and coming out a hero despite his suffering/pain/trauma.

Date: 2010-07-28 11:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
Thank you for this concrit. It's really useful to hear about the problems you had with the world in the story, and definitely something I'll think about if I ever decide to write an AU again.

Date: 2010-07-28 05:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
Thank you very much for sharing your opinion. I appreciate it deeply, and I'm so glad the story worked for you. :)

Date: 2010-07-28 06:42 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I absolutely see your point, but I think you and I are talking about two different standards here.

For me, it wasn't about the realistic depiction of law enforcement in modern America. The fact that we had shock collars on juvenile offenders indicated to me (and so I read the rest of the story in such a way) that this wasn't the world we live in. You say this would have worked better in an AU; I guess I just assumed this story was somewhat AU when stuff that doesn't happen in our world started happening.

When I said that later on things were dealt with, I meant that later in the fic we find that this FBI agent was a criminal and was not working within the legalities of the system, and there were repercussions for that. I know if this is your area of expertise you're likely to want more accuracy and detail than that. I'm just saying for me, as a non-expert, I found it explanatory enough (when I read the whole thing) to suspend disbelief.

And hey, like I said before, totally to each his own; if the story turns you off, I wouldn't encourage reading it just to answer unanswered questions. I've hit the back button many times myself if a story wasn't for me. This was just my experience with this story, which (I think) is what you wanted to know? And if not, and your questions were rhetorical, I'm okay with that. I just thought maybe you were asking for a response from me.

Date: 2010-07-28 06:23 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree also. Anything that could be considered a plot mistake in this story can't be something held up against the reality of the judicial system in America because this is written in an alternate universe. While the alternate universe relates in many ways to America, there are many glaring differences.

Date: 2010-07-28 05:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadowsunrising.livejournal.com
Personally, I'm liken' the beginning of this. I'm liking it alot, and this isn't me trying to make you feel good about the fic since Anon's got the respect of a 2yo dickmonkey, this is me saying you've got a damn fine beginning here.

I'll be the first to admit I know jack squat about the legal system outside of "COPS" and "CSI" but it's always been my belief that since fanfiction is very obviously FICTIONAL it shouldn't matter if we aren't master's of whatever profession/activity/whatever that we're writing about. Hell if half the Authors of fics I read actually knew what they were talking about (myself included actually) we'd be in prison ourselves, or at the very least the local Psych-Ward in a nice padded cell. Part of the fun is twisting the facts so they fit with what the characters are going through emotionally.

I've gotta jump off the computer for now but I'm seriously coming back to read this when I get the chance. I can't wait to see what happens next :)

Date: 2010-07-28 06:06 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Personally, I'm liken' the beginning of this. I'm liking it alot, and this isn't me trying to make you feel good about the fic since Anon's got the respect of a 2yo dickmonkey, this is me saying you've got a damn fine beginning here.

You lost me at liken' and dickmonkey.

Did you read the part where the author said no bashing people with differing opinions?

Date: 2010-07-28 06:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadowsunrising.livejournal.com
I tried respectful. That's as respectful as I could get after reading the other Anons concrit. There is a line between respectful criticism and just pointing out mistakes because you can, and in my opinion they crossed it.

I wasn't intentionally bashing the Anon. I was saying, as I would if I could say it to everybody face-to-face liken' and dickmonkey included, that they could've left a better comment then two comments on what may have been wrong with the posts.

It's my natural reaction to get riled up when I think someone's being unnecessarily rude and I reined it in as best I could. I apologize if it offended you, them, and the author, but I'm not going to apologize for leaving my honest reaction.

Date: 2010-07-28 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
I really appreciate you trying to defend me. It's well-meant and it warms my heart.

But I did ask for concrit, and enable anonymous comments. The original commentor was blunt, but she didn't give me anything I didn't ask for. It's not really fair to attack her for that.

Of course positive comments like yours are much more enjoyable, and I'm grateful for the support. But since I asked for honesty, I'm willing to take my lumps. I'm hoping in the end, I'll come out a better writer for it.

Date: 2010-07-28 07:46 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
sa

You really don't understand concrit then.

Author asked for feedback and received it. Yes in a very blunt manner but by no means flamey. I've seen flamey concrit and that wasn't it.

If you cannot handle constructive criticism without resorting to insults and name calling, then perhaps you should avoid joining in on the debate. That way you don't offend other readers who are here to actually try and help the author become a better writer - per her request.

Date: 2010-07-28 06:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
1.) As the anon above me said, I'm trying to keep the tone here respectful. I'd be really grateful if you could refrain from insulting any other commentors.

2.) Thank you so much for commenting. I'm really glad you like the story so far. It means a lot to me to hear that right now. I just hope the rest of it doesn't disappoint you.

P.S. I'm glad I'm not alone in my willing suspension of disbelief for AU stories like this. I think a lot of TV is serious training for suspension of disbelief, including Supernatural, sometimes. :)

Date: 2010-07-28 10:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] princess-aleera.livejournal.com
Hiya! I'm not gonna comment on the anon stuff- I agree/disagree, but I'm too tired to rantXD

Just this:

Richard's a bad guy? O.o
*eep*

*scurries off to read moar*

Date: 2010-07-28 11:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
LOL. Glad that intrigued you. Hope you enjoy!

Date: 2011-11-27 05:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angel633.livejournal.com
Really enjoying this story.
Glad Jared is getting some help to get out of out of this bad place.
I just hope things don't get any harder for him.
Can't wait to read what you wrote next.

Date: 2011-11-27 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mya-rofki.livejournal.com
I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far. I'm afraid things are definitely going to get worse for Jared before they get better though. I just hope you keep enjoying it anyway. :)

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